Sometimes it’s only after you start talking to them that you realise what your monster is really about. This is a (slightly edited) discussion between me and my “BUT THEY ARE WRONG” monster.
But they are Wrong
Me: Um, hello?
Anonster: Yes?
Me: So, I’ve been listening for a while to all the very clever things you want me to say to [person] about [the thing]. Thanks for that.
Anonster: I’m not done yet.
Me: No, I know. I mean, why not?
Anonster: Your argument has to be perfect. You have to convince [person]. Defeat them. Leave them in the dust with your superior intellect and understanding of [the thing]. You have to tell them they’re WRONG.
Me: OK, thanks. I’ve written them an e-mail.
Anonster: Yes, but you didn’t explain how wrong and stupid they are.
Me: Well, no. That’s because it would be unhelpful to open with an attack. It wouldn’t help them see that I’m right, they’d just get defensive.
Anonster: But they have to be told!
Me: Do you really think that would be helpful? They may well already know. I would just make them feel more stupid and that would breed resentment.
Anonster: …
Could I do some Work now Please?
Me: Your arguments, although brilliant and perfectly convincing, are keeping me from doing my work today. I have stuff to do. What wouldn it take for this matter to be parked for now. Just for a while, so I can do some work?
Anonster: Um, maybe if you write a summary of everything I’ve been telling you, and keep it for when they come back on your e-mail.
Me: OK, sure. And then can I get to work?
Anonster: … There’s a lot you need to worry about.
Me: Yeah, there sure is. ^__^
Anonster: I want to make sure you don’t forget something.
Me: I know. Thank you. I couldn’t do this without you.
Anonster: Are you trying to manipulate me?
Me: No, it’s true. I need to work things through in my head. But sometimes, I also need to not do that.
Anonster: I need to make sure you actually open your mouth when you’re upset.
Me: … Oh!
Anonster: What?
Me: That’s who you are!
Walk All Over me
Stand Up Monster: Psh! Who did you expect! You never stand up for yourself, that’s why you need me. If I tell you everything you should say, and rehearse it over and over, then maybe you won’t just stand there dumbstruck when people walk all over you.
Me: Um, “walk all over me”? We’re talking about [the thing]. You really think that qualifies as them walking all over me? It doesn’t even have very much to do with me.
Stand Up Monster: It’s the principle! They don’t respect you! They need to be TOLD!
Me: Right. But, you know why this isn’t working?
Stand Up Monster: What? No. What?
Me: The stuff that you say doesn’t sound right coming out of my mouth. I don’t say things like that.
Stand Up Monster: Well, that’s the problem. You should!
Me: Right, let’s say that I accept that I should. How is that going to happen?
Stand Up Monster: Clearly I need to yell at you more!
Me: … Really?
Stand Up Monster: No. That’s stupid.
Me: OK. How about this. I write that summary of all the things we’ve, um, rehearsed over the past 50 minutes or so, and then I get back to work. And we’ll deal with the problem when they get back about my e-mail.
The Crux of the Issue
Stand Up Monster: Humpf!
Me: Would that be OK?
Stand Up Monster: Yes, fine. They still need to be told, though. They don’t respect you. And you know why? Because you don’t respect you.
Me: Heh, sure. That’s true, but that’s not a new problem, is it? I’m glad I have a Reminder Muffin like you to help me remember though. Now, about the summary?
Stand Up Monster: Right. Write this down… wait, what did you call me?
